saying goodbye to “our” twins

October 29, 2015October 29, 2015 ~ inourlittleredhouse ~ Leave a comment

I wish that each of you reading this could be sitting on my couch with me, curled up with some coffee because that would make this a whole lot more comfortable!

The cool thing is, I actually feel completely comfortable talking about this now because The Lord has done tremendous healing in my heart since it all happened, but typing it out on a document can feel pretty sterile to be honest with you. But, this blog not only serves as a great way of communicating our story with those that care for us, but it also is a memoir for our family to hopefully always have to look back on and see God’s story played out in our little lives. So here we go….

A couple months ago, we were buzzing around like crazy getting ready for “our” twins to arrive. Since we announced that we were getting the twins, we were absolutely showered with hand-me-downs and gifts from so many generous people and in the meantime, we were getting to build a relationship with our birth mom. We adore her. It was amazing to me how quickly she had a place in our hearts and felt like part of our family. We were excited about the possibility of an open adoption with her, if she decided that was what she wanted. However, after our first doctor’s visit with her, where we got to hear the two little heartbeats, our birth mom told us that she was having a tough time with the whole situation. She said that she wasn’t changing her mind but asked for space.

That was a rough text to receive and fear and panic washed over me as I read it over and over again. I was so worried that she was going to change her mind and that these babies wouldn’t be ours anymore. That very morning I remember praying and asking the Lord to refine me more before I became a mommy. Little did I know how quickly he would answer!

I was a hot mess for a few days and had to continually hand the fear I was feeling over the The Lord because I just couldn’t handle it on my own. I wanted to trust her (our birth mom) when she said that she wasn’t changing her mind. I wanted to trust what I saw in her situation when it looked impossible for her to keep these twins. I wanted to trust God that He had it all under control with my best in mind but it was a struggle!

There were about 2 weeks where we didn’t do much with the adoption or for the twins. We reached out to our birth mom a few times with no response and each time, I reverted back to fear and just stood still.

But then there was one weekend where I really felt that God was telling me to prepare, to get ready for these babies. Along with that, came a sense of urgency to get their room ready (which I hadn’t done anything to!).

We started immediately and spent the next 2 weeks decorating their sweet little room and washing and organizing all of their clothes and baby items. I was in my happy place because I got to get crafty and as I sewed, glued and designed, I would just pray for “our” twins and imagine them in our little red house.

nursery — (sorry for the horrible quality in the pic ….. iPhone)

We had been debating over names for a few weeks but in this time of preparation, their names became clear to us. Once we named them, our prayers became more specific for each of them and their futures.

This season of preparation was such a sweet one. Fear had left and excitement jumped in.

But then….

This one particular morning I woke up and was finally able to emotionally hand the twins over to the Lord and really let go of control. (I didn’t really have any anyway, but I tried to)! I was in a constant internal battle, trying to release control and this one morning, I was finally able to.

That same morning, I found out from our lawyer that we needed some information from the birth mom and birth dad and that I had to be the one to obtain it. So I texted the birth mom and for the first time in a month, she responded. But her response sent me to the floor.

“We have decided to keep the babies…..”.

She continued on to explain that her situation had changed and therefore, they were going to keep them.

Here is the thing, I have hit the floor before. I have spent time on the floor writhing in pain, unable to control my emotions, body or thoughts and THAT is the very place I found true intimacy with Jesus. I grew up knowing who Jesus was but it wasn’t until I was on the floor, alone, at 25 years old that I first really met Him and felt Him. And because of His closeness in my life, from that very place years ago, the floor is actually a sweet place of rest for me.

I have prayed over and over again in the last 9 years to be able experience that same intimacy without the grief that brought me there and the truth is, I always get in my own way. So as I laid in the middle of the floor in my living room, although I was overcome with sadness and grief, I felt peace because there He was, my Father, holding me.

Now, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel the grief any less, I just wasn’t alone in it. Caleb came home from work soon after that and we just held each other as we tried to comprehend what this meant for our family.

I got to see the birth mom the following day and that helped me, and I think her too, so much. I still love her. I still love those twins because I’m invested in them. But I knew I had to fully let them go.

It’s been just over a month since we lost “our” twins. It has been so interesting to see how Caleb and I both grieve this so differently but I am getting to know my husband on an even deeper level through it and I’m so grateful for that. God is completely healing our hearts and we finally got to the point recently where we don’t think about the twins every day and mourn them which feels like a big step. God is the ultimate healer.

So what’s next for us and our adoption?

Just last week we contacted our agency again and told them that we are available to meet new birth moms. We also are still praying that we get pregnant and are working through that at the same time since my clock is ticking!

For now, the baby room is still there, all decorated and ready for when the time is right. (I had so much fun creating it all so I will be doing some future posts for some of the DIY projects that we did in there.)

Thank you so, so much for all of the love, prayers and support. We have been once again, overwhelmed by it all.

lessons from a white couch

September 10, 2015September 10, 2015 ~ inourlittleredhouse ~ Leave a comment

There I was, vacuuming our white couch, again.

Don’t get me wrong, I love our white couch and how it looks in our little house. God has literally answered prayers on this very couch. This is the couch that we sat on with our birth mom when she told us that she chose us to be the parents to her babies. On this couch we have laughed (hard) with dear friends of ours and cried with others. This is a place of comfort and gathering in our home. We love it.

Trust me, I have actually heard many opinions from many people about how crazy we are to have a white couch with a black dog and now twins coming. And this day, as I was reluctantly cleaning it yet again, I agreed with each of them for the first time. Until…..

it occurred to me, vacuum still in hand, that this white couch, and the fact that I have to clean it ALL THE TIME, is actually a blessing! (what?!) Before you think that I’ve totally lost it, let me explain.

We all have dirty couches! Whether we have pets, kids, or even just us cuddling and kicking our feet up, we’ve got junk. The difference with my white couch is that it’s visible! And because the junk is visible, I address it and take care of it.

As I realized this, it started to freak me out how little I cleaned our last couch! I would vacuum it, but only once a month or so or when we had special company coming over and yet, we had the same amount of junk on it, it was hidden, and therefore ignored! Yuck right?! (Before you run off to clean your own couch, stick with me for the best part.)

Isn’t this the same in our own life? If we keep all of the junk, tough stuff, yucky parts of who we are in our flesh hidden, then we don’t have the opportunity to deal with it, or better yet, let God deal with it. But, if we become like white couches, revealing to our owner (God), ALL of us, even the deepest parts that are attached to guilt and shame, then, he can clean us up!

The amazing thing is that He is not afraid or appalled by our worst stuff. He is the master cleaner and restorer!

So who’s with me? Who is going to choose today to allow him into those deep, hairy, dirty crevices and let Him do His magic?

Note: IF you are thinking about purchasing a white couch, I do highly recommend this one! It is the Ektorp sofa from Ikea. It is inexpensive (for a couch!), comfortable, and the white is actually a washable cover so you can remove the covers from each cushion, and the entire base of the couch, and just throw it in your washing machine! I do vacuum it for weekly (sometimes daily) maintenance, and then wash it only when needed.

2nd note: Look on Craigslist! We purchased this one for $300 (normally $1000) AND we are now friends with the sweet lady who sold it to us!

overwhelmed

August 18, 2015August 18, 2015 ~ inourlittleredhouse ~ Leave a comment

Well, I have been in tears multiple times today.

God is SO good y’all!!! (p.s. you should know that I only ever say ‘y’all’ when writing, never in person…but sometimes, it just seems necessary when I write!) Let me tell you what has happened in just the past 24(ish) hours:

I have been getting emails and FB messages from friends (and friends-of-friends) with incredible, thought out, generous advice. Messages that took some serious time and effort to send to me.
A lady that I have never officially met from my neighborhood gave me some hand-me-downs.
The daughter of a great friend of mine gave me some of her hand-me-downs
My bff bought us the double stroller we registered for.
A friend gave me a hand-me-down crib just in case I needed one
and then a friend, who I haven’t seen in years, got us the 2 (yes, you read that right!…2!) cribs that we registered for.
another dear friend offered adorable boy sheets
and “our angel” (as I have referred to her before as) has continued donating to our adoption fund faithfully through all of the highs and lows for the last 2 years (and I still have never met her!)
all of this after last week when my sister-in-law filled our living room with boy hand-me-downs and we received gifts from two of our favorite couples! (note that I don’t mean “hand-me-downs” with any negative connotation because I’m ALL about them!)

WOW!!! Can you see why I am in tears?! The only word I can think of to describe the way I’m feeling is overwhelmed. God is so good and he is working through all of these people to take care of our family. We are so undeserving and so incredibly grateful.

I have said this before but this is teaching me to be a better giver. I want to live with hands wide open ready to give whenever Jesus whispers, go! I have a desire like never before to live generously without worry of holding onto what is “mine” because it’s ALL God’s! I have nothing without Him!

Our twins are His. I’m not sure why He chose us to raise them but I am humbled and honored at the weight of that responsibility.

So thank you friends! Thank you for your love, support, prayers and generosity! God is taking care of our every need!

Matthew 6:25-33

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?^[a ²⁸And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, ²⁹yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³²For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. ³³But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

defining “simple living”

August 18, 2015 ~ inourlittleredhouse ~ 2 Comments

For the past 2 years, the Lord has been whispering the word “simplify” in my ear, so much that I can’t ignore it. We de-cluttered, sold things, gave other things away, and then we went to Uganda. For 5 months, we lived off of the 14 items of clothing that we took with us, ate the same thing every week, and had few electronics, and we found it to be so freeing. Before we came home, we talked a lot about how we would want life to look back in the U.S. We knew that we wanted to live our day to day lives even more simply than before and talked about specific ways that we would do that.

I dreamed of an Anthropologie inspired home with white walls and neutral tones. Baskets, reclaimed wood, and live plants would take care of the décor in our little home and we would have space and room to breathe because there would be no clutter. Anything that would need to be added to our home would be either homemade or purchased second-hand.

To me, this picture that I had sketched in my head was a breath of fresh air.

But then, we moved into our little red house and started unpacking. It was like Christmas in June seeing all of our belongings that had been waiting for us for 6 months in storage while we were out of the country. Here is the thing that I quickly realized as I looked through everything we own… I like color! I love lime green, teal and mustard yellow. I’m drawn to the color mint and a deep magenta makes my heart smile. I love color.

So I had a choice. Get rid of all of our current, colorful textiles and décor in order to fit this natural motif that I had been dreaming of, or, just roll with what I’ve got! And friends, we are rolling! Now don’t get me wrong, I still am so inspired by people’s homes that are raw and muted but ours is just not turning out that way.

My new path to simplicity is filled with much more grace and isn’t as rigid as where I was before. I’m learning. I’m learning that the simplicity that the Lord is calling me to isn’t defined by lack of color; in fact, He is the one who created me to love these bright colors! The simple life that He is leading me toward is more of a compilation of small, seemingly insignificant, daily decisions.

It is the decision to be content with what I have instead of buying new.
It is the laying the to-do list aside when there is an opportunity to connect with a friend.
It is the choice to get rid of things that are taking up space but aren’t being used.
It is trusting that He is going to take care of me, even if I don’t have 3 jobs!
It is taking a moment to breathe and process before responding.
It is letting things go.
It is living in gratitude.
It is living below my means.
It is taking a day of rest.
It is not grabbing everything that I love from a store.
It is inviting people into my home, no matter if it’s cleaned up or a mess.
It is taking the time to stop what I’m doing and giving Caleb long, drawn out hugs.
It is cleaning out my closet (someday!).
It is making time with Jesus my first priority every morning.
It is eating real, unprocessed food.
It is being ok with just enough, and not an abundance.
It is (much) less time on social media.
It is living on less to have more time.
It is relaxing at home instead of always needing to be entertained.
It is eating to live, not living to eat.
It is dropping perfection and accepting the real me.
It is forgiving.
It is knowing my limits and not trying to be superwoman.
It is choosing joy.

This is my list that has unfolded in front of me. It may be different for everyone, I’m not sure, but I’m learning more each day as the Lord reveals it to me. I fail….a lot, but there is grace…..grace and COLOR!

The post I’ve been waiting for over 2 years to write…

August 3, 2015August 3, 2015 ~ inourlittleredhouse ~ 4 Comments

(written Sunday, August 2, 2015)

We’re having twins!!!!!! November 7^th. (Yes, as in, 3 very short months from now!)

I will start from the beginning….

About a month ago, I got a Facebook message from a good friend from my past. It said “Sarah, a friend of mine is having twins in November and is looking for a couple to adopt them. Are you interested?” TWINS!!! We were immediately so excited but also a little guarded at first; trying not to get too excited before anything actually happened. I wrote back and we set up a time to meet the birth mom.

Today was the day.

You should have seen me trying to pick out what I would wear for our meeting! (‘Is this mom-ish? Does this look like I’m ready for babies? Will this show her part of my personality? I can’t wear that, it has spaghetti straps!’) And then, I took a deep breath and realized that it’s not about my outfit or the fact that my house is still under construction and in need of some serious TLC. It’s about showing her Jesus. This isn’t actually about me. It can’t be about me because I will fail every time! It’s about Him and his plan for our family, this mama, and these babies that she is carrying.

We sat in church this morning before we had our meeting and our church sang the song “Beautiful Things” and then we watched people get baptized and I couldn’t help but think of and cry over these babies. Right then I knew that whether we got to raise these babies or not, that God would take all of the pain from their past and make beautiful things out of them and their lives. He is going to do something so special with these two.

The birth mom (I’m going to protect her name for now) and our mutual friend, Jill came over at 11am and it was like meeting with friends over coffee! We got to know each other. We talked about our lives, her three other kids, parenting, our stories, the story of how Caleb and I started dating, pregnancy, motherhood, real life. After about three hours of tears, laughs and conversation in-between, the birth mom said something like “I have been looking for a couple that I am comfortable with and that I connect with as a family to raise these babies. I like you guys and your personalities and I would love for you to be their parents.”

I needed immediate confirmation that what I thought I was hearing was actually what I was hearing so I jumped in and said “Are you saying yes to us right now?!” and she smiled and said “Yes!”!

I immediately jumped up, and held onto this sweet mama who CHOSE US! We cried together and just sat in that moment for a while.

Caleb cried, I cried (and screamed….because that’s what I do when I am excited!) and I think she got to know us even more in that moment.

Through our excitement, I thought about her and her heart that is struggling and in pain and over and over again I kept telling her how sorry I was that this is so tough for her. I can’t imagine.

I can’t imagine what she is going through.

She is a mom to three boys. She loves being a mom. She doesn’t want to do this but out of love for these babies, she IS doing this, not out of irresponsibility, but out of REsponsibilty to do what is best for them because the situation that she is currently in, isn’t best. She is so brave.

So, we are having twins, a boy and a girl, scheduled for a C-section on November 7^th.

WOW!…..Here we go!!

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