Last night we got some tough news. Our adoption agent called to give us an update on our birth mom and her medical records.
The good news is that she is still confident in her decision to adopt and her choice with us. She is keeping in great contact with her rep from the agency and has recently moved into safe housing.
Then we discussed her recent medical records. To be fully transparent, one of the reasons we were excited to show our profile to this birth mom, was because on her application, she had stated that there was no current or past substance abuse. (She was the only birth mom that we had been presented with in 6 months that had this clear of a history.) Our ‘ideal’ situation.
We found out last night that she tested positive in November for Marijuana and amphetamines (likely meth). It felt like a punch to the gut. They tested her again in February and I will find out the results to that test next week.
She also test positive for an STD called Trichomoniasis (“Trich” for short) which is easily treatable for her but is extremely dangerous for a baby in utero. It often causes premature birth and low birth weight. (another punch)
I hung up the phone and immediately grabbed my keys and headed straight for the gym. I know this sounds like an unlikely place to go in a time like this but I have found that when I am doing a cardio workout and depleting myself, I am so receptive to the Lord’s voice and in that moment, that is ALL I needed.
With tears pooling at the bottom of my eyes, and “Bethel Music” playing in my earphones, I climbed up on the Stairmaster and just started going. My breath prayer was that God would speak to me. I needed Him so close. I needed to hear the sweet, calming, fierce voice of my Father.
The next 40 minutes on that Stairmaster was a pure, messy, beautiful time of worship. An exchange from His heart to mine and then back again.
I was literally inhaling Jesus and exhaling worry and fear step by step. With each breath I was filled with more of Him and less of me.
Exhale – ‘But what if our baby is sick? What if he isn’t okay?!’
Inhale – “You unravel me, with a melody…
Till all my fears are gone.”
(I am in control Sarah and I will continue to undo you so that you can be more like me.)
Exhale – ‘Jesus, I don’t know if I can handle this!’
Inhale – “Cause when I fall to my knees,
You’re the one who pulls me up again”
(Sarah, you can’t, but I can. I’ve got you and this baby and every single time you fall, I will pull you up again)
Exhale – ‘Jesus, why??’ Why is this happening to us and that innocent baby?!’
Inhale – “What a mystery
That you notice me
And in a crowd of ten thousand
You don’t miss a thing”
(Sweet Sarah, I love you and I know you and I’m in control of it all, every detail and I have a perfect plan. There is no need to worry.)
Exhale – ‘I’m so scared that he will have lasting issues his whole life. What if he has a delay or disability? I’m so afraid God!’
Inhale – “And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea”
(Don’t you remember who I AM Sarah? I can tell a mountain to move and it will jump. I’ve got this.)
Exhale – ‘You are right Jesus. You have always been here for me. Ok, I’m
letting go. I trust you Jesus.’
“Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.”
Inhale – (That’s all I want from you right now Sarah.)
Exhale – “I have to know you
All that’s within me
Cries out for your presence, God
There’s no one else
Jesus you’re my one desire ”
Inhale – (Through every step, keep seeking my face Sarah. That is the point.)
And then as I was finishing the last few minutes of my workout, utterly exhausted, but spiritually elated, the song “Ever Be” by Bethel came on and led me into a time of worship. The kind of worship that can only happen when you are completely open, empty and vulnerable and I got to praise my sweet Jesus for being so huge, yet so intimate with me all at the same time.
It is well with my soul.